chapelznini (chapelznini) wrote,
chapelznini
chapelznini

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Changes

I changed for the better. Thanks to all my so called "friends", they changed me. I feel that I am matured beyond my age. 

I lost my bestfriend due to misunderstanding. Labels such as emo, punk or whatsoever is just a total waste of time, well to me that is.  I begining to realise that all these while, I waste my time being an emo kid. Yes, I WAS an emo kid. 

Well, its not that I am against emo but adolescent like me always fall for this trap. Finding identity, trying to fit in and be cool about it, taking up drugs and the list goes on and on. When I look back, these are the things(expect that I don't do drugs) that I did over the past few years. Why? Peer pressure.

Another reason maybe the influence of music. The type of music teens like me like to listen. When I was 15, I will put on bloody thick eyeliner and black eye shadow and draw a line with my eyeliner from my lower eyelids all the way down to my cheek. I was listening to death metal, Nightwish as some of you may heard it before. 

Then I getting bored of goth and decided to be punk instead. Again, I will do all sort of stuff to get the attention of people, hoping that they will see me as punk. As months pass by, Panic! at the disco which I believe all of you may heard it came into the sence. The first time I heard was in the radio and their song I Write Sins Not Tragedy was my all time favourite. I began searching their pictures, upload them in my old blog and told the bloggers that I am crushing on the guitarist, Ryan Ross. Whenever I listen to their songs, I will put on eye shadow like Ryan Ross did. Yes, thick blue eyeliner, sometimes I drew my eyes like Ryan's design where he drew the veins around his eyes. 

That's when I became an emo kid. I am afraid of telling my friends at first. Afraid that they might neglect me. They often told me how much they dislike emo, from the hairstyle to the clothes they are wearing. Well, it did hurt me but I rather keep it to myself. Months passed and it was graduating day, I begin to show my so called true identity. Fringe covered my right eye, wore black most of the time. Heck, I don't care about other people might think of me. 

All these searching for identity kind of stuff is indeed waste of time. After graduation, for 5 months rotting at home busy doing useless things. Downloading emo songs, buying eye liners for emo purposes, buying converse shoes, buying black and tight fitting tees and what do I gain in the end? Nothing. I should have work on my dream to be a guitarist or an artist but no, I didn't bother to work on it. 

So, after I updated my deviatart which I didn't update for a VERY LONG TIME, I begin to improve my skills bit by bit in drawing, reading people's comment about my art and also, AGAIN, telling deviants "Hey, look at me! Don't mess with me, I am an emo kid". Sooner or later, I begin to post my emo "emotive" pictures. drawing emo stuff, updating my journals which is FULL OF CRAP and get very pissed over negative comments about emo. However, thanks to my old friend who use to be my bestfriend for 5 years, I beginning to realise my mistakes. 

She updated her journal in her deviantart about an article regarding emo. I read it and I comment on it. What really pissed me off is that she told her friends this "However, I couldn't care less if one of my friends are emo themselves"  I was hurt so I decided to do a revenge instead  updating my journal in my deviantart saying that as a friend, you shouldn't care whether he/she is an emo. So, my old friend reply me with saying the last goodbye to me. "Here is the last thing I will say to you. I don't hate you because you are emo. I just hate emo but since u feel offended and you think its best  we break bonds, then I respect your decision. I wish you the best in your future." As days past, I think about it and I cried because of my stupidity. I decided to reply to her saying that its my mistake and wish her the very best. The rest are all private and confidential, because it meant for her to read. 

From that fateful day, we are officially breaking up our 5 years of friendship and therefore, I decided to clean up my act. I decided that I want to just study hard and get good grades so that I can achieve my dreams and get in the tertiary school that I always wanted. Also, I need to work for my family sake as my dad hand over the responsibility to me. I have to take over the family. I have no choice. My dad gets older and my mom is sick. I can't always depend on my sister to pay the utility bills so I have to do my part too. 

Even though I may still have this emo image but I will try my best to change for the better.

Tags: www.malm.deviantart.com
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